“May and I are sisters. We’ll always fight, but we’ll always make up as well. That’s what sisters do: we argue, we point out each other’s frailties, mistakes, and bad judgment, we flash the insecurities we’ve had since childhood, and then we come back together. Until the next time. ”
― Lisa See, Shanghai Girls
This definitely defines the relationship I have with my sister. She’s older, she’s a year and 10 months older to be exact. At times that 22 months feels like decades in either direction. She tries to ‘fix’ me with new diets, right now she wants me to go gluten-free (not happening), in the past it was fish diets or cantaloupe, all in the name of improving my quality of life. Sister seems to forget that I’m an adult and can do my bit of research too (I’m familiar with the internets and the Google), and that I know what’s best for me. I’m used to it by now though, I just agree and move on. Despite of all her ‘helping’ (or should it be in-spite of all her help) I’ve still always looked up to her and have spent a lifetime trying to be as ‘cool’ as her. I’m still working at the ‘cool’ thing.
Sister was always the first to do everything between us, seeing as she’s the older one it makes sense. She had her ears pierced before me, was the first to get a perm, dated first, and was the first to be grounded. Let’s skip ahead to adulthood, Sister was the first to get engaged, and then the first to get married. There are few things that I was able to do before her but I managed to graduate university before her, get my full drivers license, and have a baby.
Despite the endless list of things that she’s been able to do before me it’s that one thing that I’ve done before her that seems to matter. Baby. Sister has been trying for a number of years to have a baby but sadly she hasn’t been so lucky. She lost a baby when she was about 12 weeks along and it was absolutely devastating. I can’t imagine how it felt for her, I can say that I was overcome with an earth shattering sadness and I have never felt so guilty in my life.
Everyone around her is getting pregnant, quickly and easily too. I remember when all my friends were getting engaged and married while I was floundering waiting to meet Babe, it was tough. This pain must be so much harder. Baby arrived when she had just found out she was pregnant, looking back I can see why she was so curious and excited about the whole thing. (not that she wouldn’t be normally, it was just a different kind of excitement)
There are so many things in this world one could wish for, I could be selfish and wish for better health for me but frankly that wouldn’t make me happy. The only thing that would bring a pure sense of joy to my heart would be for my sister to have a baby. I am so fortunate to have Baby and that she’s so easy. I only wish my sister could have the same. Sister deserves to be happy. Why must this be her challenge in life?
The guilt stays with me all the time, it’s so hard to not feel it. Will I ever be able to let go of the guilt? Is it possible to do? If so, can anyone tell me how?