Seriously, I am.
I know it’s hard to believe, but most people who know me would probably agree with the title of this post. They would be agreeing for different reasons, clearly, as they wouldn’t have any idea what I’m referring to by saying that I’m a bad wife. Screw them.
People might say that I don’t appreciate Babe and that I don’t do for him all the wonderful things he does for me. They see what we display to the world and what they want to see, it’s not always our most authentic version. Babe and I love to joke around, we like to pretend like we’re stuck in this marriage but we do love each other madly and deeply. Most people will tell you that I’m cold, unloving, and mean. I have a hard time showing Babe love in public and he is the opposite. I’m a work in progress (aren’t we all?), and this is one area that I’m really working to improve.
In all honesty though, we are kind of stuck in this marriage. I don’t think my parents would be as eager to pay for the divorce as they were to pay for the wedding. And oh what a wedding. It was the kind that make your dreams seem small and make you appreciate every minute of each day that you get to spend loving your best friend and sharing that love with a small group of the closest of friends and family. We were blessed that day, and sure we were fighting days after the BIG day and threatening to divorce, and plus one baby later – we still feel blessed.
I will blame my mother for this cold-unloving-in-public side of me. It’s part of how I was raised. I am working really hard to show Baby a different way to love so that she is the best version of herself possible. She needs to see her parents as loving, caring, and devoted people so that she has no issues showing her future love the same. I hope that Babe sees the changes and appreciates them. (He does and does.)
Okay, now back to why I’m a bad wife. My reason, not anyone elses.
I will own this moment for the rest of my life and need help finding a way to make it up to my sweet, loving, and sensitive Babe. Is there even a way?
A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I knew I was pregnant since conception as at that time I was incredibly in tune with my body and can tell you the moment it happened. I was at work and felt the whole thing. I then spent days Googling “early signs of pregnancy”, like every hour – every day. It was such an incredible feeling knowing before the test told me. The day before I did the test, I was at a friend’s house and we were discussing the possibility of me being pregnant. She also knew that she was pregnant with her son prior to any test. I left her house feeling elated and with a sense of joy that I was actually pregnant, she wished me luck with the test and asked (if I felt comfortable) to let her know the outcome.
Obviously I’m someone who likes to share information and doesn’t really have a keen sense of privacy or what should be kept private. Judging from the fact that I have a blog where I write about my personal life this is clear. Mind you, Babe has opened my eyes to the importance of privacy hence the code names, no personal pictures, etc. I have since learned and now value privacy, but will still continue blogging, FB’ing, instagraming, just with thought put into what I’m putting out in the web universe.
I digress, back to the reason why I’m a bad wife.
There were a couple other friends who knew that Babe and I had entered the “trying to get pregnant” phase of our life – and they were also curious as to the results of this upcoming test. One of the friends was trying along with me, not with me, with her husband. My sister also knew as she was trying as well. She (and my brother-in-law) had been trying for a number of years at this point, so she let me know that it was incredibly difficult to get pregnant especially with our mothers history (6 years of trying before having our older brother). My sister was trying to keep my feet on the ground, but I was already floating.
I awoke that morning with excitement and trepidation. I was going to find out. Babe was not interested in pregnancy tests. He wanted me to wait until I missed my period, but I am not one for waiting. I have absolutely zero patience On an excursion to the drug store for shampoo and other toiletries, I bought two pregnancy tests and hid them in the bathroom. That morning, I left Babe asleep in our bed and went down the hall to take the test. For whatever reason I didn’t read the instructions fully and thought that it would have instant results. There was only one line. My heart broke.
I sent 3 text messages out to the 3 friends who were anxiously waiting to hear, as they had all sent me well wishes that morning pre-test. I let them know that it didn’t take and that we would keep trying. At this point the 3 minutes had passed, and a faint, faint, line had shown up next to the solid line.
What did this mean? Could it be true? Was I really pregnant?
I called one of these friends and asked her what just happened? Is this true? We Googled false positives and spent a few minutes discussing the fact that I could very well be pregnant. She was the first person who knew. I got off the phone and was rehearsing what I was going to say to Babe. How was I going to share this exciting news?! I opened the bathroom door and there he stood, smiling.
And that is how Babe found out.
He had heard the conversation and knew what I was going to say before I could said it. Sadly, there is no cute story about how I surprised him with a cake that had it written on the top or how we went out for dinner and I told him over a romantic meal, or even with a onesie that said something cute on it. He overheard me on the phone with a friend. How heartbreaking. I’m a bad wife.
Is there anyway to take this back and make this moment up to Babe? Could I try to celebrate it as an anniversary, of sorts? Babe is so great that he doesn’t make me feel guilty about it, he understands but you can see the twinkle of hurt in his eyes. How could I share such an amazing and personal moment between a couple with a friend? Does anyone have an idea as to how I can make it up to him?