big fat liar

Life is definitely different since having a baby. None of my clothes fit. I’m in no mood to go out and buy new clothes, who has the time? And clearly my maternity leave pay doesn’t cover a new wardrobe. Let’s be real though – who really wants to be trying on clothes when you’re not comfortable in your own skin yet? Not this girl.

However, I did buy a new coat for my Christmas present – there was a crazy sale. I went to the store with Baby. At this point in time I was really sick and had lost all of the pregnancy weight in about 2 weeks as a result but wasn’t feeling to great. Anyway, I started chatting with the sales girl (woman really, she’s in her early 50’s) and asked if the coat looked okay. I let her know that I had just had a baby and wasn’t sure of my *new* size. She told me that the coat looked great and that it would look even better if I lost another 5 pounds or so. Yes, she said that. I just about died. She said a few other things that would normally make me react but I was so stunned, offended, and sick that I just bought the coat and left*.

Oh people. This is why women are constantly at war with one another – we don’t know how to be supportive. We have only learned to be competitive and bitchy that it is so hard for us to just be kind and listen.

*I have since brought my experience to the owner of the store who apologized and has spoken with this employee. The owner apologized in writing and in person the next time I visited the store – with Babe in tow as I’m not ready to go in there alone. Sad.

My reality is this – I put on over 50 pounds during the pregnancy. I loved each and every bite of food that allowed for that gain. It was a glorious experience. I had the attitude that it didn’t matter how much I gained (luckily my OB agreed), and I honestly believed it wouldn’t matter after the baby was born. I was wrong. It does matter. To me. Everyone keeps telling me I look great. I wholeheartedly believe that every single person who says I look great is a big fat liar. I have a mini fire extinguisher in my diaper bag to help put out their pants when the flames start. Babe has joined my team and will honestly agree that my body is different, he loves me no matter what but will acknowledge the changes.

It would be nice to carry a giant hammer to smack all the people – friends & strangers – that go on and on about how easy it was to lose the weight when they were breast feeding. Lucky them. This comment is usually after they say how great I look…for however many weeks it has been since Baby arrived. These friends go on to say that they just don’t know how else they would have lost the weight if it wasn’t for breast feeding because they were eating so much. Fantastic. I couldn’t be happier for them. Seriously. Thrilled. Can you feel the resentment growing or is it me?

I have never had an issue with weight before. Okay, that’s a lie. I struggled in my teens and my early twenties a bit but I’d chalk it up to peer pressure and bad eating habits. And it isn’t like I did anything about it – it was a “pretend” kind of struggle. The only time eating was an issue for me was when I worked in restaurants – I had a hard time clearing tables. Dealing with other people’s dirty plates made me lose my appetite. Still does but thankfully I don’t work in a restaurant anymore. And let’s be real, I was 107 pounds by the time I was 26 so clearly the issues were in my head only. I had a boyfriend who would tug on my side and say that I needed to get that in check. Ass.

Back to present day…I was feeling great around the holidays as I could finally fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes! However, that ended quickly due to being back on steroids to manage my flare (colitis). Here I sit weighing in closer to my pregnancy weight than my pre-pregnancy weight and wondering what I am going to eat next. The steroids play with your head as much as they play with your body. My entire body is swollen, I’ve returned to high school days with acne all over my swollen face, and I have a ridiculous appetite. This isn’t helping with my self-esteem, do I have any left?

My mother and I were chatting the other day while flipping through magazines and I happened upon a page that showed Hollywood’s newest moms. It showed how great they looked after having a baby so many hours, weeks, months since delivery. What they don’t show is the fact that they haven’t eaten since delivery, if in fact they were actually pregnant and that it wasn’t a fake tummy they attached to their bodies. I said to my mom – if I wasn’t so secure in my looks, magazine articles/photo spreads like this might make me feel bad about myself. She looked at me and didn’t know how to respond, typical response for most. Then she said “Oh Daughter, you look great”. Her pants went up in flames just like that – lucky for her I had a glass of water in my hand so I could just douse the flames by throwing it at her.

While spending some quality time interneting last night, I was happily greeted by an article. Finally someone – a celebrity no doubt – being honest about the struggle to lose the baby weight AND it gets printed in Us Weekly! Mind you I’m sure in the print magazine the opposite page will be something along the lines of “Look how great they look 1 hour after delivery!” Regardless, it’s a welcome change to what I’ve come across in my interneting time.

And then this morning, happily interneting, I come across this article “How to Lose Weight like a Celebrity

I’m over it now.

Time to eat. 🙂

This entry was posted in January 2013 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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